When the clouds kiss the sea

I’m writing this to remind you, a note to self, for when the horizon disappears… 

A year ago. The very first day of the year. Waking up heavy from too much wine mixed with tears and exhaustion. Just having drove 9 hours alone, in a rental car packed full of the important things. The things you didn’t want to chance being crammed in a moving truck, scared but hopeful for something new. But instead, you were slumped forward on the edge of the hotel bed, staring at the floor watching it blend into the wall. 

The day before, my house of 10 years officially had new owners. There was an unexpected deep grief already being held in that release. Now the place I was set to buy… the contract fell apart, hours before closing. I had failed in my attempt to do that something big. The doubters were right. This bold new adventure was too much for me and I couldn’t do it.

Back in the car still packed with all those important things. And now, with 3 dogs, a cat and 48 years of life shoved in boxes, I had just days to find a new place to call home. The reason for selling my house was swallowed up in the chaos. The horizon along with it. 

There is something that happens when the horizon disappears. That line at which the tangible surface of earth meets air. Like a ship’s navigation, it balances our way North. When invisible, everything floods, we are off balance and lost.

A sadness in its fogged soaked cloak but a raw beauty actually hovers in that veil.  

Like a thin layer of soft ash, held in your palm that you smeared across the sky. The saturation disappears, the color all absorbed into the clouds. But here, here you can see all the contrasts better. All the finite strokes start to show if you look.  

In all the pushing through. The cycles and the layers. The tears and the wine… Some things that are lost will never be found again. At least not in their same form. 

You actually didn’t fail.

All those pieces that fell apart, they are still out there, somewhere, floating in that space where the clouds kiss the sea. Look for them.